Moment of weakness 

I hesitate before opening any text message after 9:30pm.

If I hear the dogs barking I immediately check to see if your car is outside.

I should hate you but in all honesty I just wish you’d show up at my door step with any half ass excuse so I can just see your face again. 

I can’t accept the last time I saw you as the last time I will ever be wrapped in your arms. 

I know I should be stronger than this, but you made me feel so good.

You’re not easy to let go of. 
 

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To the coward who broke up with me by never breaking up with me…

I will always be the kind of girl who forgives. That is my blessing,

I understand that men who hurt others do so because pain is all they know.

Pain is a form of love for them, it is what their parents showed them and how they have learned to show it to others.

I sympathize for those men who come from broken homes, who in time grow into broken people.

You see I too came from a broken home.

A home so broken it offered no protection from outside elements.

Seasons change, years pass, and I grew older

but like birthmarks that grow dark when exposed to sunlight I continued to bring fourth light to the pain I once hid.

I displayed them proudly as a part of me. Something I  could never rid my skin of but no longer tried to cover up.

I will always be the kind of girl who forgives and that is my curse.

I allow broken men to give me their broken pieces.

I try to make Sense of their jagged edges.

I try to sympathize for their pain because I wish others did so with mine.

I have immortalize men in writing and allowed myself to play out our best memories.

I forgave men who never asked to be forgiven,

dedicated pages to those who never learned to read the depths of my character,

Men who never bothered to speak my tongue but were so quick to shove theirs between my thighs.

In time I will forgive you because it is in my nature, it is all I know.

You once said you don’t step into churches because they make you feel weird but even if in this lifetime you never step into another church again, I hope you feel weird every time you think of how you left.

Dear boy,

You left in the least poetic way possible.

Its almost too pathetic to tell people what went wrong. “What happened” they ask, how do I respond when I myself don’t know. When I have never processed such a sadness that I chose to endure. Childhood trauma was thrusted upon me but for you, I opened the door. I wish someone would have told me that this boy would blind side me, that he would leave even when everything was going good. The stars lied to me, you were suppose to be a Pisces but instead you turned out to be two faced like a Gemini. But the irony is I am compatible with Geminis. You taught me that it don’t matter if I purchased tickets for us to that event that is less than 3 weeks away.  It don’t matter that he acted like such a sweet guy, how it would make no difference to him later on that I allowed him to be inside me if only with lips,tongue, and hands. He would still leave. No goodbye, no explanation, not even a reply. I get to break my own heart every night and think up of new ways I did wrong. My head hurts from all the pillows left soaked and salty. I wake up and the first thing I feel is pain. Pain from my swollen eyes, pain from my pounding head, pain at looking at my phone and not seeing the message I want so badly to receive but know is not coming.

8.18.2017

I have a lot of half started post that I never finish but I figured I’d just share a little blurb of something that’s been on my mind lately…

 

Nobody ever prepares you for the right guy.

The guys who listen to you when you speak,

Goes the extra mile just to see you,

The ones who attack you with cheek kisses and show their affection openly and proud.

You see I don’t know how to let a good man in

you are everything I could ever want and I don’t know what to do with that

 

 

Does watching too many romantic comedies actually ruin you?

Why is that I’ve watched almost every romantic comedy ever created and rather than feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside I just end up feeling shitty about myself. Not all the time, sometimes I get really inspired and have this light reignited in myself to live life in a positive and happy light, spreading joy and all that bullshit. But other times, times like tonight, this very moment to be exact I feel downright unfulfilled. This idea that if I’m not loving   someone or being loved back  then I’m wasting my time is embedded into my head. It’s all very fucked up but I know for a fact that I am not alone in this, which is somewhat comforting. I mean knowing that there are a whole mess of us out here all alone doesn’t change the fact that we are alone but it sure as hell makes it feel less lonely.

These movies just take me to a place where I’m just left wondering,”well damn, why can’t _________ and me get a happy ending” or sometimes we’re even just left asking “why couldn’t I just get an ending”. I have to say I like how Romantic comedies always get a very clear cut ending,there’s rarely any loose ends or unanswered questions. I always hate how I have crushes on people and nothing ever comes from it. In movies your secret crush always comes to light and you get some sort of ending whether that be in the form of rejection, happy ending, or even a revelation where you realize your crush was not who you built them up to be in your head. In the real world however some people go their whole lives without ever expressing how they feel and the crush isn’t given a chance to get its ending. Instead it just lives on in your head cramped between the ideas you have of love and the flaws you know yourself to have. The same flaws you’ve learned to love but aren’t fully convinced anyone else could.

I guess the moral of the story is that we are all scared shitless to be vulnerable and say how we feel. More specifically, I suppose really I’m scared. Oh well I really don’t see that changing anytime soon… this isn’t like an advice piece but more of a solidarity “man why the fuck are we like this post” 😂😂

Rebound 

It’s hard not to categorize all men into a box. When all your experiences with them and all the experiences of the people around you with them, seem to be negative. While I know not all men are the same, I sometimes like to write from a place where I view them all as such. Here’s to females relating to other females through the shared experiences of dealing with men who don’t know what they want & the ones who drag you along while they figure it out 🍻 

Did you get what you needed 

I know what it feels like to need the attention of someone 

Did you need more than what I could give 

How many people have you gone through

I wonder if you’ve stayed up at night wondering if you were ever good enough 

Have you ever cried at the thought that you were never going to be easy to love 

Better yet I wonder if you ever think about love as deeply as I do 

Like do you care if you ever get the chance to experience something bigger than yourself

Do you ever think about the people you’ve hurt 

Do you ever wonder about me